WHY I am obsessed with breathwork?
When I was first learning to meditate (which was prescribed by my therapist Tracey, after her diagnosing me with CPTSD), I used to feel so dizzy when trying. I felt like I was in the Waltzers at Funderland which I hate. The moment I closed my eyes, the room would spin.
“It’s making me feel worse, not better,” I told Tracey.
Tracey then said: “OK let’s try it now.,I can observe and see what happens.”
I closed my eyes and began to focus on my breath, sensations in my body and watch my thoughts.
“You are holding your breath. You aren’t breathing which is why you feel dizzy,” Tracey explained.
“I am breathing,” I replied with defiance. “Of course I’m breathing!”
It can be mad when you realise your body isn’t doing what you think you are doing and you have not an ounce of awareness of it.
I was trying so hard to heal and being good at healing, the over effort led me to holding my breath. Healing is a place where the conditioned capitalist ways don’t work.
This started my journey of learning to breathe slow, deeply through my nose.
I was in awe of others in yoga classes who could breathe deeply. I couldn’t get past a count of 2. I was sniffing my inhale, it was over in a second.
I was rushing my breath like I was rushing my life.
I have to keep this short for word count but breathwork aided in me in knowing myself, soothed the feeling of lostness. I discovered I actually did have passions, I could be creative and my mobility increased as did my immunity and metabolism.
Then a year or so later I was in Bali completing my first 200 hours yoga teacher training course.
I went to a breathwork class in Ubud, when my course had finished, where we breathed intensely for 30 minutes. We sat around in a circle, holding hands, (I know, I know), forcefully exhaling out our noses, for 4 minutes per chakra with breath holds.
Initially I felt intense heat and was really sweating. I couldn’t work out what was happening then I clicked, I’m scared, I am feeling fear which is an emotion I had learned to numb from.
Then the sensations changed, like ebbs and flows, and the finale of the breathwork reminded me of the nicest bump of MDMA. I floated out of the room in blissful, mild, ecstasy. The next day, I went down to the class with my brain demanding more of the same. Brat mode. Not a squib of anything happened as I learned you can’t expect and demand from breathwork or any experiences in life to be fair.
It woke my interest as to what it was as I was someone who enjoyed highs and to escape.
(I know we shouldn’t seek highs and escapism but this was my truth).
I booked a private session with the teacher, Punnu Wagu, and told him about my problems. I was in situationship with someone with a heroin addiction and I felt consumed by it. I didn’t have a relationship really with my mum and dad at the time and I held a lot of anger at the both of them. Less so my dad, I had only met him at 24 and I refused to feel anything for him in protest of his abandonment of me.
Punnu told me I needed to heal the relationship with my parents and my inner child. The situationship at the time was a symptom of these core wounds. It was not the solution I wanted to hear. It seemed impossible.
Then we began breathwork.
He told me we would do open mouth breathing also known as connected breath/ocean breathing. I was instructed the deeper I inhaled through an open mouth I would connect to my inner child and I would process uncompleted emotions from my earlier years. Whatever had not been allowed to be completed would be and this is how we heal.
I thought it sounded mad and that this definitely wouldn’t work.
I had my cheeky, millie face on.
But sure I’ve already paid and was there, so may as well give it ago – I was very resistant and cynical. Imagine a freeze block trying to breathe.
The session began and I closed my eyes. I started breathing through an open mouth while standing. My ego was in full swing.
“What is this all about, Carla?”
“This is stupid.”
“I hope this is done soon.”
So much resistance.
Punnu had been touching different body parts to support the healing.
Then I realised Punnu touched me from behind on my back. But I had been sure he had been in front of me. I was really confused.
I kept my eyes closed then suddenly he was all around me.
Something was definitely working.
Then the floodgates opened. I roared, crying, saying things I never knew I had ever felt or thought from an eight year old part of me.
The next thing, it was almost like I was doing a standing backbend, Punnu was encouraging me to fall back with arched chest, which is a pose I’ve always massively struggled with. Then everything went black and I could see the whole universe and the most orgasmic, intense bliss washed all over me.
I lost all concept of time.
When I opened my eyes again, I was like, what the hell?
I had taken DMT 6 months previous to this, my first and only tate of psychedelics at this time of my life and this breathwork was like DMT but longer, similar to what I had read about the plant medicine Ayahuasca.
That was me down the rabbit hole.
Fascinated that by conscious breathing we can experience psychedelic states and wondering if the theory that DMT is activated through breathing is true. DMT is the pyschellic compound found in Ayahuasca, dubbed the spirit module by scientists who can’t work out why it’s in our bodies.
DMT is debated to be produced by the Pineal gland in the brain but this is not verified by science. It is said there are high amounts of DMT released when you die but again not proven by science yet.
I teach online Breathworks to support completion of emotions, to leave you feeling light, connected and gain clarity. You can book at www.carlamcgreevy.com
Punnu Wagu
